hey besties. i feel like its been forever since i’ve talked to you guys. how’s summer? how’s life? what shows have you been binge watching? here’s my answers: this summer has been a time of mixed emotions, life’s been a rollercoaster, and i just finished Manifest which is probably one of my favorite shows now (somebody please go watch it bc i have been dying to talk about it). ever since graduation, I feel like I’ve barely talked to anyone. i expected that the loss of communication with people would gradually happen throughout the next couple years, but it was like immediately after graduation we all just kind of… disappeared. we all went our own separate ways and that was that. i’ve been struggling with that disconnection. i’ve been trying to post on instagram just so when i see someones name who viewed my story, all of the little memories i had with them can come rushing back. it’s honestly created a really unhealthy coping mechanism within me. i use to be so good about using instagram in a healthy way to interact with people and post the pictures i love to take, but now I just feel desperate. so desperate for attention from anyone that i can justify as human connection. i genuinely do believe that social media can be a way to connect with people. i’ve made so many friends over instagram that i never would’ve made in person, and i want to get back to that aspect of it. i want to feel connected to you guys by seeing what you ate for lunch that day, or the funny moments you had with a friend when you post for their birthday. i enjoy all of it! and i need to remind myself that that’s the reason i post, to feel connected with you guys.

so here’s my next best attempt to connect with you. a blog post. i’ve been pretty quiet on instagram, and i’ve only been posting surface level things that haven’t really connected you with what i’m doing. and it has honestly been so draining. i am not a surface level person. i can barely have a surface level conversation with someone without losing my mind in the process. so i’m done with it. i’m skipping the surface level bs and getting right down to the nitty gritty of everything that’s been going on with me.

there’s a song that’s been hitting really close to home lately. it’s called “mighty die young” by Joy Oladokun. when this song first came out, i added it to my “need to feel something” playlist, and i had barely listened to it since. but these past two weeks i’ve been listening to that playlist on repeat, and now that specific song on repeat. in a video where she talks about the song, she says “i’m just a human. i am my moms little baby. and i am my partners girlfriend and my neighbors neighbor. i am things other than this artist, this musician. and this song… it’s honestly a letter from me to you guys saying, ‘please take care of me’ and a promise that i am taking care of you”.

that hit me so hard. I feel like for so long I’ve been putting on this charade of the person i am. i’ve been trying to be this “cool” and “fresh” version of me that everyone expects me to be, both on social media and in person. and yes, i can be a “cool” and “fresh” person. but that’s not the only version of me. that’s only a surface level version, and if i continue living that way, it won’t last long. this trendy, “influencer”, side of me is slipping away because she can no longer survive on her own. she’s tired, and exhausted. it’s like your favorite t shirt. you wear it over and over and over again, until it’s eventually faded and worn out, while all of your other shirts sit in the closet waiting to get out and see the world. that’s how these other versions of me feel. they feel like they’ve been hidden and ignored. i have been hiding and ignoring these aspects of myself.

i love how joy points out different aspects of herself in that quote. she is her moms baby, and her neighbors neighbor. she’s human, just like i am. i want you guys to be able to see all these different aspects of me. i want these different sides of me to be able to come out and live all together. i want you guys to see the side of me that cries every time i watch someone die in the vampire diaries, even though i know they come back to life in a later season. i want you guys to see the side of me that gets mad when starbucks only gives out one size of water and doesn’t let you get a venti water anymore (literally so upset about this). there’s the side of me that will gain a whole new level of confidence when i put on sunglasses, or the side of me that will listen to “Chattahoochee” by Alan Jackson on repeat. i want you guys to know all these sides of me, and i want all of these aspects to feel taken care of.

“the mighty die young.”

every time there’s a new “version” of me, i let the other one die. i bury it, and very rarely do i let those sides of me come back to the surface. i can’t do that anymore. it might have been from a different season in my life, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still apart of me. and i have not been being my true self without all of these versions.

“don’t give me your roses, just carry me home”

when i think of the time i lived in kansas, i think of home. that small town gave me more than i could’ve ever asked for. it taught me how to be carefree, and how to always have fun in the moment. i remember one summer my friends and i did the summer play. everyday that summer we road our bikes to sonic (i think i tried every flavor of limeade that summer), rode to play practice, and then would go straight to the pool where we spent the rest of the day. that’s by far one of my greatest summers. i didn’t have a single stress or worry, and i was filled with so much happiness. then there’s Natalies creek that we would always swim in. i never cared how murky or muddy that water was, we would always go in it without thinking twice. i love that carefree attitude. i love that we did whatever we felt like in the moment and never gave it a second thought. i went back to that little Kansas town this summer, and i was reminded of that side of me. i love that side of me, and i buried her for way too long. i’m not gonna ignore that iz anymore, and I’m gonna give her that spontaneous happiness she’s desperately wanted for so long.

“when the spotlight grows cold, and the applause don’t mean much”

kansas city iz went through it. so much happened to me in that small time in my life, and i grew so much from it. maybe one day i’ll talk about everything that happened, but right now i will tell you that i’m grateful it all did. I had to learn how to be okay with myself. i was okay with being alone. i probably had only four close friends, and that’s all i needed. i was okay with the simplicity. there wasn’t this pressure to “be something”. everyone just lived their life, and they were content. i was content. i needed to remember that simplicity. i need to let go of this pressure that everything has to be extravagant and perfect all the time. sometimes i can just go to a drive in movie with my friends and that’s all it is. its fun, its simple, and there isn’t this added pressure to it to get this “perfect shot” or to wear the “perfect matching outfit”. i need to stop pressuring myself in those aspects. i need to let that version of myself free so i can be satisfied with all the simple aspects in my life, and remember to be okay by myself.

“glitter in their hair, smoke in their lungs”

I am so grateful that i moved back to utah when i did. i thrived in high school when i was here. i loved bringing out that trendy side of me that enjoyed being caught up in the “main character” energy that everyone here is chasing. utah inspired my creativity, and i got to follow so many of my passions and interests. i learned to romanticize life. i became obsessed with the aesthetics of life, even the small things like the ice in my coffee or the fading colors of the sunset. it was a new perspective on life, and one that i loved having. it really makes life more beautiful. i want to keep that outlook. i want to be caught off guard every time i look at the sky or see the sun sparkling on water. i want to see the beauty in everything i see and in everything i’m doing.

“i’ve got a wrinkle in my smile, i wanna see it grow”

i have genuinely lived such a good life so far, and i wouldn’t change that for the world. i have learned, i have grown, i have experienced. i couldn’t ask for anything more than that. in this next chapter in my life, i want to add on to all the amazing memories I’ve already had. i want to fill the rest of my life with moments that will always put a smile on my face when i look back at them.

i want more moments that feel like this one. this was taken back in september when i went on a mountain drive in the razor with andie and her parents. it was a moment when i was at peace. i didn’t feel any pressure or expectation to be a certain person or act a certain way. all these versions of me could sit in peace with each other. and as i look back on this moment and the past couple months, i’ve realized why i didn’t feel any pressure. it was because of andie. she is what my mom calls “a gem”. she is one of those friends that will always love you unconditionally no matter what. she will be right there with you through all the highs and lows, and will support any dream you have. andie is my gem. she accepts all these versions of me and loves every part of me. she is one of the few people i feel like i can always be my full self around, and i cannot thank her enough for it. when you find those gems in life, you have to hold onto them. no matter what it takes.

“i’ve been robbed of my dignity one too many times”

a couple days ago i was with some friends, and as we were sitting there one of my friends goes, “we’re friends with iz merrill of course we’re going to take pictures.” that made my heart sink. is that all i am? people say things like this to me so often, and i know people don’t mean to say it in a hurtful way. if anything its suppose to be meant as a compliment, but is that all i’m known for? is that the only reason i’m even here? yes, i’m the photographer friend. but no, i’m not always the one who wants to take pictures. in fact, for awhile i’ve been dreading doing a lot of things because I know what it will turn into. everything we do turns into a photo op and it’s exhausting. suddenly a fun memory with my friends turns into a chore. and don’t let me fool you, i 100% play into this. i’m probably the one who created this monster of a situation. i’m usually the one with a camera who’s taking videos or pictures, so i know how it looks to an outside perspective of “oh, she’s here for the pictures.” but i’m really not. i only enjoy doing it when it’s in the moment as a means to save the memory. and recently, it’s all been forced. i love hanging out with my friends. i love going on adventures or even just having good conversation with them. but that has become rare these days and has been overshadowed by the desperate need to get a perfect shot. it’s all about the perfect pose or the perfect angle. the perfect lighting or the perfect location. well let me tell you, trying to make all of that perfect is STRESSFUL. and being the one with the camera, that pressure is put on me to make that memory “perfect”. and that destroys me. most nights i come home feeling drained. it makes me feel so invalidated, like that’s my only purpose. and i know that there’s so much more to me, and so much more to the moment that we’re all missing out on.

“i’m not mighty, i’ve only just begun, the mighty die young.”

i am now at the beginning of the rest of my life. i am no longer a kid. i no longer go to school for eight hours a day. i have absolutely nothing holding me back right now. i’ve achieved so much in life already, but that feels like just a blink compared to everything that could happen in the rest of my life. i need to remember that this is my time! i can do whatever i want right now! i can be whoever i want! and i want to be me. every possible version of me. i want to reach my full potential and live out all the dreams i’ve ever had.

i think, in all of our own ways, we can be mighty. but, we will only continue to be mighty if we let ourselves truly be who we want to be. we can only play a role for so long, and it’s that role that will die young. but, you can live forever babe. you can always be living in every moment you’re in. just let yourself be.

i am mighty. i’ve only just begun. i’ll keep living while i’m young.