i really wish i could start this blog post by saying, “woohoo i’m graduated! i’m officially an adult and i can now live my life! it’s summer and i’ll be 19 in a week and i’m so excited for all of these new things in life!” but in reality, i’ve been laying in bed for the past three days binge watching hannah montana, ignoring the fact that high school is over, i’m hitting my last year as a teen, and everything is changing. when things change, my brain immediately shuts down, and i completely shut myself off from the world. i’ve been trying to be better (even though my enneagram 5 tendencies are extremely deep rooted), and i’m hoping this post can be a way for me to confront my emotions, and maybe for some of you to confront the ones you’re avoiding as well. so, i’m going to try and explain this feeling in the best way possible.

think about your favorite song. that song you could listen to for days on end and never get sick of it. that song that feels like it was written for you specifically. now imagine if that song was taken away. you could no longer play it whenever you needed to feel understood. how would you feel? would you feel like a piece of you was missing? would you feel like nothing in the world would be able to get you like that song did? well, that’s exactly how i feel right now. i feel like a piece of me has gone away, and there is no way for me to get it back. high school was my song for so long, that now i don’t know what to do without it.

i know high school is only a small portion of my life, and people can keep saying that to me, but it’s really not comforting. even though high school being over isn’t the end of my life, it was the end of a version of me. the iz that walked through those hallways, that stayed up way too late doing homework, that screamed her little heart out at every dance and sporting event, said goodbye when i turned the tassel from one side to the other. i love that version of me. i was so confident, and tried everything i could to understand who i was – who i am. i worked so hard to create the person i am now, and i am so scared of letting that hard work go to waste.

I CANNOT AND WILL NOT PEAK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

i have to keep reminding myself of that statement because that fear genuinely keeps me up at night. i accomplished so much in high school, especially in just my senior year, that i don’t want to lose that momentum. i want to continue that feeling of complete euphoria i would get during high school, that feeling that made me feel like i was on top of the world.

i think we all hit a high after graduating. we feel the relief of finally making it this far. we are overwhelmed with a sense of pride. we get a surge of happiness from stepping into our own adult lives where we finally get the choice to do whatever we want. but we all eventually hit a low, and i’ve hit mine hard. i’ve hit the realization that everything i loved about high school is gone. in two short months, all of my friends are going to be off living their own lives, and the same thought keeps running through my head, “what if i get left in the dust? what am i going to do?” i have grown so attached to everyone who’s in my life right now, and i can’t wait to watch everything that they’re going to do. but what about me? what am i going to do?

i have had to make the hardest realization.

it’s time, i have to move on.

it’s now time for me to close the book on this time in my life, and i have to come to terms with that. i am genuinely so terrified of change that i avoid even the smallest thought of it. but now it’s time for me to change or else life will keep changing without me. i’ve laid here under my covers, hiding from the monster that is the future. i can’t do that anymore. i’ve hidden from it my whole life, and i no longer have a choice. it’s time for us all to stop hiding.

count to three, open your eyes, and look at your future.

no matter what stage of life you’re in right now, do not fear the future anymore. i spent way too long holding that dread, and i don’t want any of you to fall victim to it. the future is not something to fear, you know why? because YOU can have complete control over your future by choosing what outlook your future will have. choose to look at your future with curiosity. ambition. excitement. trust yourself, and believe that you will do what’s best for you.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS.

which is why i will be spending my future the way i want to spend it. as of right now, i will not be attending college. i can see my grandparents shuttering at that sentence, but i genuinely don’t feel like college is for me. i hate feeling like i’m wasting time, and spending hours upon hours studying for classes that don’t feel useful to me just seems like a waste of time. now, if you are someone who’s going to college, that is amazing!! i am so proud of you for putting in that dedication for something that you want. if you’re going to spend the next year working to save up money for your future, go you!! i am so proud of you for knowing your own priorities! as long as your happy with your future, then i’m proud of you. because YOU have made the decision to follow your own goals. so the next time you look into the future with fear of the unknown, change your perspective. remember that no matter what happens, it will all work out because you will make the choice to be happy. you’ve got this.

say it with me:

“no matter what happens, i will be okay.”

i want you to repeat that to yourself whenever you’re questioning your life. you will be okay. it will all be okay, even if it might not always feel that way. i can promise you that right now as lay in the dark mimicking the hannah montana transitions, things do not feel okay. but i know they will be. i know that everything will work out exactly how it’s suppose to, for me and for you.

much love,

iz