it’s officially that time where i close myself off to the world and listen to Ribs by Lorde on repeat for a couple of weeks. that song sends me to heaven and on the way there makes me feel every emotion that’s ever existed inside of me. it’s a masterpiece. i recently wrote an instagram post about my “january funk” which seems to happen every year – but this year has hit me hard. i have never experienced anything like this before.

i am having an identity crisis.

according to google, an identity crisis is “a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person’s sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.” in simple terms – i don’t know who i’m becoming. my whole life i have always been extremely confident in myself, because it was something i was able to have control over. i MADE myself confident, no matter what. it gave me the reassurance i needed throughout the hardships i’ve had. with that confidence, i always had a sense of individuality. i knew who i was and i knew what i wanted – and nobody could change that. i have always been “first” – the first to wear the crazy patterned leggings in fifth grade, the first to find a new song that would eventually define everyones summer, the first person in my town to wear uggs again (yes, they are back in style). i have thrived off of this, and its something that continues to bring me a sense of purpose. however, i’m realizing that while i like to be the first with things, it has started to put a strain on my relationships. it’s creating challenges within my friend group. as teenagers, we all fall into this vicious cycle of relying on others to build up who we are. we follow people and obsess over the new cool things they do, the clothes they wear, or the songs they listen to. and we compete within our own friend groups for these titles without even realizing it. “ugh, well becky bought this shirt and that was the one i was gonna buy.” “I think this fits my vibe better than hers.” i will fully admit that i have said these exact words. everyone in my friend group has. and it’s terrible. things that use to bring me joy and inspiration now become annoyances and frustrations because we begin to obsess over it. we are suddenly filled with wrath, greed, and envy – some of the seven deadly sins – all over some new trend that’s popped up. now, here i am, feeling drained from it all. a new song i really enjoy? suddenly that song deeply describes my friends soul. a new catch phrase i say on the daily? oh suddenly my friend claims they have been saying it for years. i now ask myself, why does this bother me so much? why should i even care? why am i so stuck up that i hate anything that everyone else loves? because i don’t feel unique anymore. because i’ve allowed my personality to become “mainstream”, and it has caused me to lose touch with who i am. i wanted to be myself again. i had to take a step back and understand why this was causing me so much exhaustion, and why i was having these aggravated feelings towards my friends. so – i deleted a groupchat we had. i no longer wanted to feel that toxicity. we fell into this cycle in society where we have to be the “best” or the “only one”, when in reality, we’re all a society of copycats. we are all finding ideas and inspirations from anyone and everyone. of course we can take things and make it our own, but we get furious if anyone takes things from us, myself included. so why do we get so upset? instead, why don’t we applaud people for finding something that adds to their self identity and brings them joy? i wish it could be as simple as it was when we were younger. lil iz was a force to be reckoned with. she was one of a kind, and nobody was like her. she never questioned if someone else wearing those crazy patterned leggings was taking away from who she was. me now still wants that same thing. i love being the “first”, but i hate the entitlement i put behind it. i no longer want to do that. i simply want to be me. being my own person has been the one thing that’s kept me going even in my lowest moments. even when parts of my personality were growing or things were changing, i still knew who i was.

but now everything’s changing. in a few short months i will be graduated, and i will never go to the consistent schedule of high school again. and that terrifies me. i have always been fearful of growing up, and now that i have to, i still have the feeling that i don’t know who i’ll be when i’m “older”. i was the kid who refused to believe that fairies weren’t real, and i continued to believe in them until freshman year. no joke. as a child i always viewed growing up as painful, full of responsibilities with no more of that magic you feel as a kid, or even the magic you feel as a teen when you have those crazy spontaneous moments. i have never wanted to lose that magic. now with my future looming over me, i feel like that magic is slipping away and my hands are turning white from trying to keep a hold of it. “it feels so scary getting old” – and our queen Lorde is 100% right when she says that. the past couple months, every fun moment i’ve had has ended with this heavy, bittersweet feeling in my chest with the realization that these won’t last forever. the people i see everyday will soon have their own lives that don’t involve me anymore. and i’m terrified of being left in the dust. i see the adults around me who still have these close friendships with the people they grew up with. lately i feel like i’ve been losing those friendships before even reaching the point of going our own ways. and it’s been terrifying me. i kept trying to figure out why – why did i feel this way? why was i so disconnected? why did these friendships not mean as much as they should? and i realized what it was. i figured out why these friendships weren’t feeding my soul.

i need more genuine relationships.

during this identity crisis i’ve been frustrated that i don’t know myself, but i’ve also been frustrated with the feeling that my friends don’t know me either. i’ve moved so much in my life, that i really feel like i’ve lived three lifetimes already. iz now is different from the iz in KC who’s different from the iz in kansas who’s different from the iz who was born in utah. however, all of those iz’s make up who i am now. they’re all still inside of me and play such an important role in my personality. and i don’t feel like a lot of the people in my life know all of these iz’s, and it breaks my heart for them. (my friend has recently pointed out that i refer to my past self in third person a lot, and if those past sentences don’t prove her point then i don’t know what will). they all just want some recognition. i want some recognition. i want people to know my favorite childhood tv shows, or my deep rooted childhood trauma. i want people to deeply know me, not just surface level me. i crave deep connection. i could care less about your favorite color or favorite candy. i want to know your first experience of love and where your trust/commitment issues come from. i want to feel your soul, and i want people to feel mine. those soul connections are so important to me. they keep me connected to the world, and also to myself – which is something that deep down we all crave.

so, let’s stay connected. now that i’ve been super vulnerable with all of you guys, let me introduce myself again. hi, i’m iz. your internet best friend 🙂 let’s have a conversation. tell me anything you’d like. if you’re not sure how to start the convo, then here’s my first question: who’s your favorite artist and what song speaks to your soul? next question: what is the greatest lesson you’ve learned about life?

love you all deeply – iz