when i posted my 2019 video last year, i was not prepared for the overwhelming love and support i got. i can’t even begin to express how grateful i was for that. an hour after i posted the video, i got in my car and drove to go get Panda Express (it’s my main comfort food at this point). i came home, ate my orange chicken, then opened my fortune cookie that read, “don’t look back in anger”. i decided right then and there that this would be my motto for 2020; little did i know that 2020 was about to come crashing down on all of us. i think it’s safe to say that 2020 was a rough one for all of us. we all faced numerous challenges and went through hardships that none of us could have prepared for. but, i will not let all of those things ruin the amazing moments i still had this year. i can proudly say that i am not looking back at this year in anger, but in adoration. i have grown more this year than i probably have in my life. i learned to appreciate the little things, because none of us expected those little things that made us happy to one day be gone, or even illegal. usually in my blog posts i write about all of my happiest moments, but i’m gonna do this year a little differently. yes, i will still be sharing my happiest moments, but i am also gonna share moments that had the biggest impact – moments that taught me a lesson, helped me grow – even if those moments were hard at the time. between the pandemic, senior year, and a year full of “lasts”, this year has been extremely bittersweet. so here is my toast to 2020: my annual yearly recap.

March 13th, 2020 – the day the world ended

since we’re starting starting three months into the year, i’ll give you a quick rundown of the first two months: it sucked. i had some good memories, but my mental health was not in a good place those two months. i was struggling with myself, and then i went through my first type of “heartbreak” experience, and i had no idea how to handle those types of emotions. then the world ended. that friday at school felt… different. deep down, we all had a feeling that something was coming to an end – little did we know that it was the entire world. after school they announced that we would be going online for two weeks. brynlee picked me up, and we went over to andies house, followed by a couple of other people coming that night. that was the last time i had a social interaction in about a month. i wish i could go back to that day and soak in those last laughs that i had with those people. i wish i would’ve known that that would’ve been one of my last deep talks with a close friend on the drive home. this was when it first hit me that those little moments will one day mean the most.

QUARANTINE

just like how quarantine interrupted our lives, it’s now interrupting my blog post. at first, quarantine was a good experience for me. it forced me to slow down. i mentioned in the above date that i was struggling with a lot of emotions and my self worth, and quarantine gave me a chance to listen to how i was feeling. i realized that i was putting too much energy into my friends, and not enough energy into myself – my cup was empty. one bad thing from quarantine is that the many tik tok songs and dances i learned are permanently burned into the back of my memory.

April 25, 2020 – the bonfire

one of our close friends was heading to Texas to do summer sales, and this night was our goodbye to him. it was one of the first times i had been out with friends since quarantine, and it was the first time i had laughed as hard as i did in months. as much as i value alone time and spending time with yourself, human connection is so important. finding those people who make you laugh and give you an unconditional love for life are so important to have. i realized i only wanted to be surrounded by people like that so i could experience many more nights like this one.

May 21, 2020 – lake day

jacqueline, lexy, me, and some of our guy friends went out to jacquelines lake for the day. i can’t even tell you why this day was so fun to me. even though school had been finished for about a week before this, this was the first day that felt like summer. i miss that feeling of laying on the tramp in the water with the sun hitting me. we went out to the lake in the morning, went and got ice cream that night, then sat out on jacquelines balcony that night. when we all left, i was behind the boys’ car when we stopped at a stop light. all the sudden all of them jumped out of the car and got in mine. we drove around for about 30 minutes with them hanging out the windows and surprisingly not blowing out my speakers. i was an hour late for curfew, but it was a moment that made it worth it. it’s the nights like these that make me the happiest. the crazy, spontaneous nights.

June 6, 2020 – my 18th birthday

my birthday has never been something i go all out for. usually it consists of me hanging out with a couple friends, doing something small. since it was my 18th, my mom convinced me to have a party. so, if i was going to plan something, why not go all out? and who better to take inspiration from than Blair Waldorf herself? if you’ve ever watched Gossip Girl, then you know about the iconic white party at the beginning of season 2. the episode where paparazzi by lady gaga plays while serena kisses nate to make his mistress jealous. ugh so good. a week before, me and brynlee went around town delivering the white party invitations, and on my birthday jacqueline and tristan helped me run around town to get all of the decorations. the party was even better than i expected. everyone showed up in white and the level of aesthetic that was reached was immaculate. i have a deep love for everyone who came to that party and made it so much fun. i now feel more connected to everyone who was there (maybe it’s because mrs. bossman read our auras, if you know you know).

June 27, 2020 – hot air balloons

wow, how do i put the feelings of this morning into words. i picked up haislee at 5 in the morning, and we drove an hour to Panguitch for the hot air balloon festival. first off, we got to watch the sunrise on the drive there, and it was so beautiful watching the colors change over the mountains. then when we got there, i expected to be in a crowd in a separate area from the balloons. instead, we were right next to them. we watched as the opened up the balloons and blew them up, then hooked them to the basket. we watched as all of the different colors began to float in the air, and slowly grow smaller the further up they went. it was peaceful. all of my stress was washed away and replaced with the beautiful sight of people wrapped up in blankets watching these massive baskets go up in the air. the little small experiences like these make me appreciate life so much more. thinking about how everyone there woke up early, all of us still in our pajamas, to witness a beautiful moment of peace and happiness. how amazing is that?

July 4th, 2020 – the sheep tunnels

i have no idea where our common sense was this night, but it was not there. we started out the night by a huge group of us going to the middle school parking lot and lighting off fireworks. when i say lighting off fireworks, there’s a part of me that wishes it was the little smoke bombs we light off as kids. instead, these were the massive fireworks that the boys were lighting off and chucking up in the air, and then shooting at each other. its a miracle that the nobody was injured or the middle school wasn’t lit on fire. after the people in the parking lot next to us threatened to call the cops, we jumped into our cars and went to the sheep tunnels. if you don’t know what the sheep tunnels are, they’re basically underground tunnels meant to be used for livestock that you can climb down into. we all climbed down, and at the end of the tunnel there was a flare producing light for us to see. bailey and i were deciding to go back up, when we hear a loud boom and it went pitch black. someone had lit a firework. it exploded at the end of the tunnel and ricocheted back towards us. the light was blinding, the noise was deafening, and the smoke was suffocating. that was by far one of the scariest moments in my life. one trait i am very proud i have is being able to stay calm under emergency situations. i grabbed bailey and lauren and pushed them back up the ladder. it was a traumatizing moment to say the least.

July 9th, 2020 – Dixie Leadership Camp

this was the most emotionally draining week of my life. this was a week long leadership camp for student government. on the second to last day, we did a “breakthrough” experience where we wrote all of our fears and insecurities on a board and broke it. i am not an emotional person, so writing down my insecurities came out of a logical place in my head. it took me three tries to break my board, and once it broke, every emotion i’ve ever buried came to the surface. i broke down. i sobbed for two hours after the fact. after getting myself under control, i planned to pull an all nighter with the rest of the kids because that was the tradition. i started to feel so sick and when it was one in the morning i decided to go to bed. in the process of washing my face, my nose started to bleed. i. hate. blood. i sat on the bathroom floor for 3 hours while my nose continued to bleed. i was going through rolls and rolls of toilet paper and it got to the point where i couldn’t even lift my head up because i was so nauseous. a girl from another school, emma, was heaven sent when she came and helped me. i am forever grateful for her. i still haven’t gone through all the emotions of what happened this week, but i know one day i will have to. i now know, i can’t bottle up my feelings anymore. it’s hard, but i’ve been trying my best to learn how to address them.

July 14th, 2020 – a drive with a boy

i’ve been debating if i should add this day, and i’m praying the boy in this story is not reading this. i want this blog to be somewhere where i can be fully transparent, which means adding this day. me and this boy decided to hang out after not seeing each other for awhile. i went to his house, and we decided to go on a mountain drive. we got in my car, he drove, and we headed for the canyon. i have never felt uncomfortable with him before, and this time was no different. conversation flowed well and even in the silent moments it wasn’t awkward. then, he started talking about the future. “how many kids do you want? what do you want to be?” if you know me, you know i am terrified of the future. i avoid it at all costs. but i wasn’t scared this time – i was hopeful. it was suddenly fun to think about the future. i could think about what i wanted to be without stressing how it would work out. i wish i could go back to driving down the canyon in the car that was filled with laughter with the bright orange sunset.

September 12th, 2020 – homecoming

honestly homecoming week is tied with DLC for the most draining week. as senior class president i was in charge of planning homecoming. our homecoming was cancelled before school started, and i fought hard to make sure it still happened. there was an activity planned for every day that i was at to set up, make sure it ran smoothly, and then clean up. by the time friday hit i was exhausted and i had already had drama with homecoming queen. little did i know what was about to happen at the football game. the night before at the volleyball game, the student body president (SBP) got into a fight with two cheerleaders. in the middle of their screaming match, i inserted myself to try and bring the noise level down so parents couldn’t hear student gov officers fighting with each other. then the student body president turned his anger towards me, and his feud with me was brought to surface. all day at school on friday, there was a division on who to listen to in the student section at the game – me or him. the game was also on 9/11, where we had a flag ceremony to honor the vets who were in the stands. i didn’t think this feud was actually going to be a huge deal, until i saw everyone in the student section sitting down for the flag ceremony. when the game started, i walked up to the cheerleader and said “this is actually happening. he’s making everyone sit down. start a cheer, i’m getting everyone to stand up.” when i started telling people to stand up, the SBP immediately started screaming at everyone to sit back down. as more people showed up the division continued and half of the student section was standing while the other half was sitting down. eventually me and the SBP got ripped out of the student section and sent to talk to the principal. the sbp had then made his anger with me very clear, i didn’t even know he was upset with me from the very beginning of student gov. i was then forced to apologize to him, even though he was the one who caused a division in the school over a personal issue he had with me. i walked out of the game in tears while he went back to the student section and everyone stood up and cheered for him. the next day i had to get up at 7 am to set up for the dance, and i was there for the rest of the day setting up. i then went home, got ready to go take other peoples dance pictures, then went back to make sure everything was running smoothly before people showed up. i then stayed at the dance the rest of the time to get video for yearbook and keep the dance running. it was hard seeing all of my friends get to have fun, while i was working. i wasn’t asked to my senior homecoming, and i can pretend all i want that it didn’t hurt, but deep down it does. and it hurt not having support from the people i wanted it from most.

December 1st, 2020 – INDY BLUE

indy blue is my idol. i have followed her since 7th grade when she was still a smaller name. now she owns a clothing company that i am in love with, lonely ghost. they had their big store opening on december first, and i sent the post to my friends saying “let’s go”. we ditched school and drove three hours just to see her store and get her new merch. but all of my dreams came true when she was there. i got to hug her and talk to her and yes, the picture of us is now my background on my phone. all of her other friends that i’m in love with were there and it was honestly so inspiring to be surrounded by so many creatively talented people. ever since it has pushed me to be more creative and to do the things i love. heres my advice from this story: ditch school. go find your idol. it’s worth it.

December 21, 2020 – the salt flats are calling

probably the best moment from 2020. bailey, brynlee, rylee, deirdre and i planned to follow our own teen “coming of age” movie dreams and take a roadtrip up to the salt flats. we went up there to take baileys senior photos, and it turned into the most fun i’ve had. we talked and laughed and sang our hearts out the whole way up there. when we got there we took baileys pictures, then gazed into the four different sunsets we witnessed in that one night. we drove back and ate at the cheesecake factory, then crashed at my aunts house (so grateful for her in 2020, she let me come stay at her house numerous times this year). this trip was refreshing. it gave us a taste of adrenaline and independence. it showed us how beautiful life can be and how we need to take advantage of every opportunity we can get while we still can.

there were so many emotions and feelings in 2020 that it was so hard to write this blog post. i wanted to keep it as happy as possible, but in all reality, even the toughest moments impacted me the most and showed me more than some of the happy moments. i’ve learned to take both the good and bad experiences with love and appreciation, and if theres one thing you take away from this blog post, i hope it’s that. i will forever look back at 2020 as the year that changed me into the person i am.

xo – iz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zMz1ZmTra8&feature=youtu.be