i’ve stopped myself from writing so many times because i felt like i didn’t have the “perfect words”. i didn’t have an intro, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. i didn’t develop ethos pathos and logos with a good discussion (if you aren’t in AP english and don’t know what those are, i envy you. please tell me, what’s it like living a stress free life?) but i’m trying to stop myself from thinking this way. i’m realizing i can use this as an opportunity to share my thoughts without the stress of having the perfect grammar and the perfect punctuation. i can simply write how i feel. this post is something i’ve had saved in my drafts for awhile now, and i finally got the confidence to finish it today. so here it is

here i am, making time to write about something that’s really been affecting me lately: nostalgia. for those of you who don’t know, nostalgia is a feeling of affection for the past. do you ever listen to a song and it immediately takes you back to a certain time in your life? do you ever smell a certain scent that reminds you of something from your childhood? those are feelings of nostalgia. sometimes nostalgia will take my clear back to my childhood, like the other day when i ate a raspberry. the raspberry had this super specific taste that i can’t even describe, but it was like i was in my grandparents backyard, in the same nightgown i wore everyday when i was five, picking raspberries off of the bush that grew on the fence. other times it can take me back to a couple months ago, when baileys car broke down and we stood on the side of the road in our swim suits and towels. it’s such a crazy feeling.

i’m reaching that point in my life where i’m about to start a new chapter. i graduate in a year and a few months. i can’t even believe i’ve already reached that point in my life. i’m going to be 18 in 4 months! i will be an adult! how is that even possible?!? my age genuinely shocks me. i still don’t even realize i’m 17. this time in my life has taught me so much about myself. it’s given me so many moments that i adore and hold close to my heart. moments i will never forget and i will remember when i am in the end of my life reflecting on everything i’ve been through. they’ve made me grow, they’ve made me strong, they’ve made me vulnerable. but the time has come where i have to begin to look towards my future – my next step in life. it’s coming time where i have to answer the universal question, “what are you going to do when you’re older?” now i’m older. i’m not a freshman sitting in the counselors office with him planning out my whole high school career.

my high school career is almost over.

and that is the most heart wrenching sentence i’ve ever typed. i would like to say that i’ve gotten better at accepting change, but the truth is, change still hurts me. it almost hurts me so bad to the point where i am angry that it has to change. i love this time in my life so much and i could live in it forever. but i am learning to accept the future (mainly because i don’t have a choice anymore, haha. it’s coming whether i like it or not.) i am happy to say that the future doesn’t scare me as much as it did. when i was a freshman in that counselors office, i had mentally checked out because i refused to think about it. and i stayed completely checked out of thinking about the future until this year. i am learning to look to the future with ambition and passion. i saw this post that said “one of the most bittersweet feelings has to be when you realize how much you’re going to miss a moment, while you’re still living it” and it’s the truest thing i’ve ever read. and i’ve been feeling this a lot lately. realizing that i’m going onto my last year of high school has made me realize that a lot of these moments will be my last. i am reaching the end of the chapter where it’s that little half page in the book. these moments seem so short, and they have been ending too quickly. while i am happy in these moments, there is a piece of my heart that breaks, knowing these will be the last times i experience some of these moments. but to everyone else feeling this way, i need you to remember one thing:

DON’T LET THE FEAR OF SOMETHING BEING OVER RUIN THE HAPPINESS IT BRINGS

while i feel sad in these moments, i don’t let that sadness take over. i let it fuel me to be happier and enjoy it while it lasts. i want to remember the happiness i have in these last moments, not the sadness. when i’m 80 years old, i want to smile about all the times i snorted from laughing too hard. i want the wrinkles on my face to surround my eyes when i laugh at all the crazy things i did. i want to laugh until my stomach hurts when i remember the people who make me laugh now. so as nostalgia hits me hard now, i let it teach me how to love my past. i let it show me how to live in the moments i have now and prepare for the moments to come.