I remember a few months ago i listened to an interview with Lykki Li in it. (I was working as an office manager and spent hours listening to artist interviews, it was a great time.) In the interview, she blatantly admits to only writing when she’s sad or depressed. I was kind of shocked by how nonchalant she was about not writing when she’s happy, but I think I was shocked by the self realization that I do the same thing. When I really thought about it, she was right. Why the hell would I want to write when I’m happy? when I’m happy and light hearted I want to talk about it. I talk to my friends, I post cute little photos, I go out and socialize with everyone I like to yap with. But when I’m depressed, I want to be nonverbal in a dark room with only my thoughts to accompany me. and then I write when all those thoughts become too much and need a place to go. then ill connect them all together until I have a big self realization and I feel like I’m “healing”, “learning lessons”, and “growing” as a person.

well today I had a “big self realization”. so now I’m writing.

lets start by catching up on all the events that have been the building blocks to these thoughts. rewind to April: I was shitting bricks for it to be summer again. last summer was the lowest point of my life. I was in the thick of grief while simultaneously trying to ignore my feelings. I dreaded the moment my mom stopped sleeping with me because I couldn’t handle being alone. I was wasted, destroyed from feeling like I had thrown away three years of my life, while my friends worried about how much I was drinking. Our bodies will remember the past hurt during certain times of the year, and I didn’t think my soul would survive feeling any of those things again.

may was proving to be a rough start. I was grieving a one year anniversary of the biggest loss of my life. I was fighting with people who were closest to me. and even though I knew intuitively that moving was the right thing to do, I was still clutched by the fear of change.

but then came June.

I spent the first few days of June back at my parents house, and I realized truly how much better I was after moving. I felt more motivated. I wasn’t constantly plagued by 6 years of memories. I knew moving was a huge AND GOOD step forward for me. then I turned 22 and went on the best birthday trip I could’ve asked for. Natalie, Emma, Claire and I flew to LA for the weekend. none of them had met beforehand, and it was beautiful seeing the instant connection between these girls that I care so deeply for. I felt so surrounded by love from female friendships, which is one of the purest loves you can feel in life. inspiration was found in every direction of the trip and my creativity was flowing at all times. I felt the spark for life again. I came home on a high from that spark, and started working on a project that is faaaar in the future, but one I feel the most passionate about. I was meeting up with people and enjoying being out in society.

the pieces were falling together. after three hard years and a hollowing 12 months, i believed things could work out again. that this life was mine and it was all going to work out for me. IZ WAS SO BACK!!

then literally July 1st it felt like it all crumbled. I was back in my hometown laying in bed all weekend. I found out I have to get the tabs back on my teeth for my Invisalign (I AM 22 YEARS OLD I JUST WANT STRAIGHT TEETH WITHOUT THE WORK MY CONFIDENCE IS DONE WITH THOSE MF TABS). then a few hours later I learned that my tires were so bad its a “miracle” I wasn’t in a fatal accident, and I’m going to have to drop another large sum of money on this car I don’t even like. then, to put the cherry on top, people kept bailing and I felt lonely all over again.

and even though most of those are small, fixable, and temporary things, the compilation of them all at once felt like I took three aggressive steps backwards after finally getting a step forward. I proceeded to throw a pity party for a week and wallow and hide away in a small town for a family reunion. when I finally got back home, I took a shower, and I let my feet hit the pavement (something my mom taught me to do. I don’t think she knows how deeply that lesson stuck with me.)

I finally stepped out of my pity. I told myself “ok girl. we had our moment. you deserved every second of the ‘poor me’ thoughts, but its time to take a step back, breathe, and think it all through.”

I thought and thought and thought and my brain feels slightly fried from staring at the mess of my emotions for so long. I hated how low I got again, and started to wonder if id ever get moments of happiness to finally stick. I just kept thinking “how do I feel so far back again? why am I right back to the mindset I was in? is life ever going to feel good, or will it always go back to drudging my feet through the cold mud everyday?”

and if there’s one thing I can do its get existential about my misery. sometimes I believe a little too strongly in the fate of the universe. I always wonder what karma I’m receiving, why I deserve these things, what all of this means. and sometimes shit. just. happens. sometimes you get stuck with a car that wreaks the worst havoc on you. sometimes you miss the timing. sometimes people leave.

that doesn’t always mean ill have a car I want to flip off everyday, or I’m going to be late for every opportunity, or that everyone is going to leave.

because June came.

I still had those moments of getting ready in the hotel room with my girls. I still made all of those big steps forward. I still made huge progress in my passion projects. I still remember how powerful life can feel. and those aren’t the only times I’ll feel those things again. the cycle will continue over and over again. the delight will turn to despair and back to delight again. life will feel like sinking in the ocean then like laying on the beach in the sun before the waves drown you again. some patterns will be recognized and changed while others will be yours to follow for a lifetime. but everything will come full circle again, and those lustrous moments will come too.

maybe they’ll be in September, or maybe the middle of February, or maybe in June again.

but there will always be June. and maybe next June ill look back on the past year and think, “i’m really making progress, and we’ve made it to June again.”