it’s crazy how a drop in temperature can make you feel so different. it can change your emotions, your interests, your patterns. having to throw on a hoodie instead of a tank top can make you feel a thousand things without you even realizing it. and we’re now hitting the time of year where our hoodies and flannels will become an essential. the leaves have changed colors, the air is getting brisk (it’s even snowed for some of us), and the daylight is coming to an end. i see tik tok after tik tok about how people’s “seasonal depression” is starting to kick in, and let me tell you, not a single part of me can relate.

i love fall. i THRIVE in fall.

and yes, part of it is because i like the pumpkin spice flavored everything and the orange sweaters with ugg boots (yes, they are back in style and nobody can tell me otherwise), and all the other basic pictures that pop up when you search “fall” on pinterest. but it’s more than that. the world just feels right when it’s fall. it’s like everything is at peace again. i think during summer, a lot of us are on a high – a high from the overdose of sunlight we consume, or the constant “on the go” a lot of us experience, without ever slowing down. fall is a time to slow down, a time to breathe. i genuinely feel bad for the people who see fall as a burden on this earth, and have such a miserable time with it. i genuinely don’t understand how people hate it!! how could you be so against something that feels so right??? i think if you really open your mind to the possibility, the change of the season can be so much more than you might realize.

just like a hoodie can be more than just a hoodie; it’s a warm hug. it’s a comfort that wraps around every part of your chest, making your heart feel safe. when you run through the brisk air to get to the car and frantically turn up the heat, it’s more than just trying to feel the warmth on your skin; it’s trying to feel the warmth in your soul. as the heat spreads throughout the car and over your skin, it fills every empty space, taking over any bitterness that might be hiding around us. the music sounds better, like every single beat is coming directly from your own heart. the drinks taste better, like your tastebuds will never experience that much satisfaction again. everything feels right.

if you’ve kept up with me the past couple months, you can easily tell i’ve been struggling. my mom always tells me that i have one of those black highway billboards (you know, the ones that say “buckle up, someone loves you” that you repost pictures of on vsco all the time) above my head that says everything i’m thinking. and for the past couple seasons of life it’s had “I AM NOT WELL” plastered across it in big orange letters. but now, those letter have slowly been deleting and rewriting themselves to say “I AM HEALING.”

since april, i’ve told my friends, “just wait. once fall hits, i’ll be thriving and i’ll be my best self again.” most of them would laugh and roll their eyes, as if i was just exaggerating to be funny. but i was being dead serious. and i still am being serious, but my “best self” that i’m coming to is even better than I had expected. this is the best i’ve felt in a very long time. you know at the very end of Twilight Breaking Dawn pt. 1 when bella is laying on the table in the blue dress, and her body starts to heal everything she just went through? her hair becomes more vibrant, color is brought back into her lips, and the marks across her body disappear. that’s what i feel like. i can feel the life being breathed back into me. all of the pain from the past year is releasing itself from me, and the lessons are staying to heal the scars the pain left. the weight that sat on my chest is rolling off, allowing me to take full, deep breaths that fill my entire body. my smile, that i use to force myself to plaster on my face, now spreads across my face with ease. i look in the mirror, and i see me. all of me.

i see myself in 7th grade, who’s happy that i’ve found my way back to reading. i see 15 year old me, who is proud of the people i have surrounded myself with, people who continue to care and support me. i see myself from a year ago, who’s jaw is dropped in astonishment because she doesn’t even recognize me; she had no idea what being in a good place in life looked like before this. i see who i am now, the girl I’ve always wanted to be, who has all the opportunities she could ever ask for. i see myself in 10 years, looking back and holding onto this happiness that got her to wherever she ended up. and the commonality i see throughout all of this is peace. i am finally at peace with myself, with life, with my past and with my future. (it will be a miracle the day i write something without talking about different versions of myself).

i’m at peace with the way i am living my life, which i know some people find shocking. lately i’ve been very quiet about how i spend my time out of fear of being judged, or people not understanding. for some people, they don’t understand why i’m not going to college. for others, they can’t believe i’m still living at home. but i’ve accepted the fact that people don’t need to understand. the only person who needs to understand my life is me. and i do, and i’m happy with it. i’m beyond happy with the job i have as a barista. i’ve met so many interesting people, and have heard so many different life stories. i’ve gotten to learn all about coffee, which i didn’t even realize was something you could learn so much about. it’s invigorating! most days after work, i come home and i read. i forgot how much of a comfort reading was for me. it’s a safe place, where i can quiet my mind and only focus on the words in front of me. then there’s somedays when i have enough energy, and i will go hang out with my friends that are dearest to me.

i’ve recently learned how important my energy is to me. looking back on the past year, i realize how much of my energy was wasted. i was continuously being drained from school, friends, social activities, that i couldn’t ever truly feel happy. so in a vicious cycle i forced myself to go out all the time and kept busy to distract myself from this emptiness, when in turn it drove the emptiness deeper. i have now broken that cycle, and i give my energy the time and space that it needs to feel at peace. if i get invited to go out, i do a mental check in on my energy. “how are we doing today? do we feel rejuvenated to go socialize?” and if the answer is no, i do not force myself to go. i simply say “maybe next time” and i stay at home and read my book. that sounds so easy when i write it down, but throughout the past year i would’ve never been able to do that. i avoided being alone every chance i got because i was so afraid of what i might discover within myself if i gave myself the chance to see it. in reality, i could’ve avoided so much pain if i would’ve just listened to myself, listened to what it was my soul needed. which was sleep, and alone time. two very simple things that gave me my energy back.

let yourself have this time to get your energy back. let your soul follow the earths cycles. if the leaves stayed green forever, think about how much energy those trees would be exhausting to keep that up all the time. you don’t always need your leaves to be green. let yourself change, and even fall if you have to. instead of falling into a “seasonal depression”, fall into a quiet space where you can find yourself again. where you can let yourself heal. i fully believe that as humans we are never fully “healed”. i think we will always be healing to continue growing.

so these next couple months, let yourself heal, that way you can grow again when the sun comes back.

love you babes

iz